(view it larger)
I'm at a loss right now. I spoke with Ben on the phone last night and talked about funeral presentations. I can say how much I enjoyed the day of Brian's "service", the Pride meeting of sharing thoughts, or the variety show that followed the candle light walk but the fact is that this is the way I chose to represent this loss in photographs. I chose the traditional thing. You know, I brought my camera with me to the service last Friday but amid all of the liberal love I just couldn't bring myself to take a photo because, I don't know, whatever I captured would just appear false to me. I know what the truth looks like; I've seen it before. These photos are closer to the truth; they're closer to matching what I know and how I think I'm supposed to feel. The thing is, what if there is no truth or the truth has changed? I've thought about what would happen after my own death and the truth that I know makes me cringe. I wanted a new truth. I wanted a party. I wanted all of my lives to come to together through the people that I knew and I wanted new friendships to be formed in my honor. I wanted a live band.
Are those things for me or for the people left to deal with the loss? The way I am dealing with this makes me wonder about that. It's nice to see that the party exists; the true celebration of life as a funeral service exists. I love it. I really do. The thing is, I don't think I am grieving or getting over it. I don't know what I'm doing but I don't think I'm doing it right. I don't like this feeling and I don't like that I'm having to reevaluate my life right now. I am full of anger and I don't know exactly where to apply it. I am full of pain. So. So. So. Much. Pain.
Right now, I feel like crying and screaming to anyone who will listen; I'm sorry, I don't know who I am.
I'm sorry, I don't know who I am.
I'm sorry.
I don't know who I am.
No comments:
Post a Comment