Dates and Death Threats

Three weeks ago, I decided I wanted to start dating. You know; go out with a guy for dinner, drinks, a show, or whatever to chit-chat and hopefully make a new friend to hang out with (and maybe more). Of course, I'm geographically removed from single folks my age that share a common culture so I've gotta use the internet.

Yeah. Wow. Forget notions of attractiveness or compatibility; I didn't realize this was going to a needle-in-the-haystack endeavor just to find someone that doesn't have a case of the crazies...

Date #1 seemed like a decent normal guy. Early 30s, educated, intelligent, stable job and living situation, into normal guy stuff, and pretty cute. We had drinks and made small talk though I felt incredibly self-conscious because he didn't have much to say and I tend to fill the void by babbling on about grad school and job-hunting. We ran into some of his friends which eased the self-consciousness; they were interesting, talkative people. At the end of the evening, we walked on the mall and this guy just....snapped. He quickly mumbled that he didn't ever walk this way and that we should turn around. He started acting crazy and when I questioned him, he was mean and told me nothing was wrong. He finally admitted that he saw his ex but by that time things were too awkward to mend. I wouldn't have had a problem if he had just said, "Hey, my ex is over there; let's just turn around." But this was a full on freak out; his whole body reacted. He started walking funny. I thought he might cry or fall down or do something else equally creepy-spontaneous. I told him he could call me again if he wanted but I wouldn't be calling him.

Date #2 takes the cake. This guy had all sorts of red flags on his OKCupid profile but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt because he was assertive enough to contact me and I was absolutely certain he'd be more talkative than the last guy. I meet this guy at his building in Arlington and when I offered to drive us in my car he says he'd go get his weed. I told him no; I already stated that I don't smoke in my emails to him and that I didn't want marijuana in my car.

We had a pleasant drive through the city and he babbled about a million different things, changing his mind frequently in order to agree with me. We had pie at a boutique shop in DC then went used book shopping at thrift stores. I bought a book then sat on a couch and read it while he browsed and talked on his phone for a ridiculously long time. I finally asked him if we could go and as he walked out of the store, I made a comment about him not buying anything and he told me that he'd just get the books that he wanted from the library.

We drove to a nice park in the city and put out a picnic blanket. As he went to sit down, books tumbled out of his pockets. He has stolen three books from the Salvation Army; two science fiction novels and a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book, each priced $1.47. I was beyond angry. I lectured him on stealing books from the fucking Salvation Army and he just looked at the ground and spoke softly telling me that he didn't steal them, that he would never do that, that he bought them when I wasn't looking, that he used his card to buy them, that he threw away his receipt, that he wasn't lying, etc. I brought up our conversation about him not buying anything and saying he would go to the library and he tried to convince me we didn't have that conversation, that we had that conversation at a different store, that he didn't know why he said that, etc. Then I railed on him for lying and he tried to change the subject by asking me to play a word game. I sat silent for a moment then told him that we were going to go back to the store so he could either return the books or pay for them. Still hanging his head and speaking softly, he said he was going to walk to the metro. He still maintained that he was innocent and never got mad at me for accusing him; instead he said, "At least let me carry the picnic blanket to your car for you. Why does this always happen to me? I hope you know I'm not crazy or schizophrenic or anything like that." I told him that I didn't think that; I just think he's a liar and a thief.

But I changed my mind; he's completely crazy. Two weeks later, he sent me this message:

I was dying for a chance to tell you this and, after building a whole hateful tirade up in my head, it all pretty much accumulated to this:
I've met a lot of people, and you're the dumbest fucking cunt of them all; even if you were hot at *all*, it would not justify the injustice of your existence. And I hope you know I saved your life, by not going with you to your car, because I restrained myself very, very, very hard to not beat the ever-living shit out of you.

Date #3 never actually happened. The guy sent me a string of emails from his smartphone saying he was at a bar a few blocks away but couldn't find the spot I asked him to meet me. He claimed to have walked up and down the mall four times after I gave him directions then decided he was too tired to be out and he'd just go home. Totally annoying bullshit.


If you've got any advice on how to meet men that are not completely batshit insane or just plain dumb, let me know. If you are a man that is not completely batshit insane or just plain dumb, well, give yourself a pat on the back. Then call me.