Ash Wednesday

Tonight I walked out of the Ash Wednesday service with tears streaming down my cheeks and head full of jumbled thoughts. I am ashamed and embarrassed to say that I didn't really know what Ash Wednesday was until today at Bible study. It's about repentance; turning back to God. The problem with this is that in order to turn back to God, I have to turn my brain off or at least away from all of the things swirling around inside of it. That didn't happen. I sat nervously around these tables with a slightly larger number of people than usual and tried to do these things that would help me to be closer to God. I closed my eyes and partook in silence but my mind......my mind would not go to God. My mind would not even go to the "brokenness of the world" which was something I was supposed to be observing. My mind couldn't get past the brokenness of me. That's why I cried. That's why I cry at church. I cry out of guilt for always feeling so selfish and unworthy.

I immediately began to experience intense fear when Denise began marking foreheads with ashes. I don't understand what happened inside of me but I felt like running away. So I did. I cried in the bathroom but then I just felt something tugging at my sleeve imploring me to leave. I silently took my things and left.

I.....I don't understand. I got on the internet to numb this feeling of intense fear and anxiety and looking at blogs and message boards is kind of doing the trick but this is not right. Why do I feel this way inside? I am supposed to be turning back to God but I just ran out of church because I was so frightened. My stomach is in knots right now and I feel simply awful. What hurts the most about this is that in my head I can see myself back at home at my mom's church and having the same reaction for no apparent reason. I would start crying uncontrollably and I would have to leave and my mother would yell at me.

How do I stop this from happening? How do I come back to God?